Sunday, September 10, 2006

Depression Treatments

Battle Lines in Treating Depression


Published: September 10, 2006

TAMARA KNIGHT remembers little of the summer of 2004 beyond a numbing despair that resisted 16 different antidepressant drugs. She dreaded a return to electroshock therapy, which she had tried periodically for years, because it brightened her mood for only a few weeks, at best, while progressively destroying her memory.


Illustration by The New York Times

MORE INFORMATION ON VAGUS NERVE STIMULATION THERAPY:

Cyberonics via Getty Images

The Cyberonics implant sends electrical pulses to a nerve in the neck.

David J. Phillip/Associated Press

Robert Cummins, chief of Cyberonics, says a growing number of depression patients assert that its implant have saved their lives. Critics say the data is inconclusive.

C.M. Glover for The New York Times

Joe Marhefka of Colchester, Conn., reacts as his Cyberonics stimulator activates in July. He says he will believe the controversial therapy works “if I start smiling again.”

Robin Trimarchi for The New York Times

Tamara Knight with her husband, Don, in Columbus, Ga. Ms. Knight turned to a Cyberonics implant after drugs and electroshock failed to control her depression.

“She was in as dark and low a place as you can ever imagine a person living,” said Don Knight, her husband. So Ms. Knight drove to a drugstore in her hometown of Columbus, Ga., bought two large bottles of extra-strength Excedrin and two boxes of sleeping pills. She said she swallowed as many of the pills as she could before she passed out.

Katherine V. Coram, another depression sufferer with a history of attempted suicide, was in relatively better shape that same summer. She had managed to cling to a job at the National Archives in Washington, where an understanding boss gave her a light workload. But Ms. Coram felt defeated. Her three years in a clinical trial to see if an implanted nerve stimulator could control her illness had ended with hellish results.

“I was hospitalized three times in the year after I got it for anxiety, panic and other problems — after having gone 15 years without hospitalization,” said Ms. Coram, who lives alone in Silver Spring, Md. “Once I even hit a stranger in a restaurant after I got mad. It was totally out of character for me.”

The summer of 2004 was also trying for Cyberonics, a small Houston company that made Ms. Coram’s stimulator, and Robert P. Cummins, known as Skip, the company’s combative chief executive. A Food and Drug Administration panel recommended in June that the agency approve the device — a pocket-watch-sized generator implanted in the chest that transmits electronic pulses to a major nerve pathway in the neck — for treating the most intractable forms of depression. But about two months later, the F.D.A. ignored its own panel’s recommendation and decided to withhold approval after weighing criticisms from groups opposed to the controversial treatment.

Since 2004, Ms. Knight and Ms. Coram have continued their struggles with depression, their fates intersecting with Cyberonics’ own battles with the F.D.A. and insurers, as well as medical skeptics and public interest groups who argue that the company is peddling false hopes built on a still unproved technology.

The struggle over the future of the $15,000 device, which costs another $10,000 or more to implant, is being played out against that most tender of landscapes: the human psyche and the unpredictable and poorly mapped fault lines that cause depression and separate people from themselves and the world around them.

IT is a very promising avenue of research, and the long-term data they are pushing are encouraging,” said Dr. Christopher Gorton, chief medical officer of APS Healthcare, a consulting firm that was hired by the state of South Carolina to review Cyberonics’ research results. “But people have a legitimate need to be cautious. Even the sponsors admit they don’t know exactly how it works. The psychiatric literature is full of people clutching at straws.”

Some 21 million American adults suffer from depression, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, a federal research agency. While doctors as far back as the Renaissance speculated that mood disorders had medical roots, it was not until the end of the 19th century that such views were widely accepted. Since then, mental health care has seen innovations in talk therapy, electroshock, surgical procedures, drugs and, most recently, implanted devices.

Along the way, there have been notorious examples of misplaced medical enthusiasm, including adoption of lobotomies to treat depression. Currently, critics complain about frequent misuse of electroshock therapy and the virtually unregulated mixing of potent antidepression and antipsychotic drugs.

Cyberonics, which finally secured F.D.A. approval to market its implant last year, has ventured into the most difficult corner of depression treatment. It says its stimulator can provide relief for many of the four million or so people who suffer from “treatment resistant depression,” or T.R.D., a form so severe that patients fail to respond to drugs and traditional shock therapy. No other product has ever been designed for — and tested exclusively on — such a severely depressed population.

During the last month, some 1,300 doctors, patients and Cyberonics employees have written to the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, asking that the agency grant Cyberonics’ recent petition for Medicare coverage. Public Citizen, a consumer advocacy group in Washington, filed a competing request on Wednesday, asking the agency to deny coverage. The group contends that Cyberonics has relied on misleading advertising and clinical trial write-ups, among other tactics, to secure federal approvals.

“With substantial constraints on the Medicare budget and so many clear needs going unmet, it seems absurd to flush away millions of dollars on this unproven device,” wrote Dr. Peter Lurie, deputy director of health research for Public Citizen, in the group’s petition. Other problems loom over the company. Federal prosecutors and regulators are investigating its pay practices, according to recent securities filings. Earnings disappointments over the last year have also caused Cyberonics’ stock to drop to $17.30 from a 52-week high of $40.69. Mr. Cummins declined to comment on the investigations, which are continuing.

But in an e-mail message last week, he scornfully dismissed Public Citizen’s criticisms as “shrill” and questioned Dr. Lurie’s expertise. “I look forward to the day when T.R.D. patients and fully qualified psychiatrists have the right to make treatment decisions regarding the ONLY treatment ever studied, proven safe and effective and F.D.A. approved for the long-term treatment of T.R.D!” he wrote.

The Cyberonics implant, like so many modern medical devices born of recent technological advances, would have been unimaginable only a generation ago. After being implanted in a patient’s chest, the device is surgically wired to the neck’s left vagus nerve, a major pathway for nerve signals to the brain from the heart and torso. Research suggests that repeated electronic stimulation of the vagus nerve can help treat severe depression by altering chemical and electrical functions in areas of the brain linked to mood disorders.

Cyberonics, which was founded in 1987, initially developed the stimulator to help epileptics control seizures. The F.D.A. approved that use in 1997. In 1998, based on animal tests and reports that many epileptics with the implant experienced mood improvements, Mr. Cummins gambled Cyberonics’ future on the idea that the device could also help treat patients with T.R.D. — people like Ms. Knight and Ms. Coram.

Mr. Cummins forecast, to Wall Street’s delight, that the T.R.D. market might be 10 times bigger than the epilepsy market. But his zeal also reflected his own family’s experience with depression, an affliction he says drove his mother and his grandfather to suicide. “My mother was my object lesson in wasted potential,” he said.

A squarely built, 6-foot-2-inch former college linebacker, Mr. Cummins, 52, says his mantra is, “Maybe wrong but never in doubt.” His shaved head and nonstop intensity seem well suited to someone whose idea of relaxation is competing in Nascar-affiliated car racing events. He now owns a Daytona Prototype race car — named Cyberspeed in honor of his company.

A native of Grove City, Pa., Mr. Cummins is the youngest of three children born into a dysfunctional family that he said was ripped apart by the periodic absences of his father, a steelworker, and his mother’s depression, alcohol and drug addictions. A decent student and a star athlete, he won a scholarship to Dartmouth, where he majored in government affairs.

After earning an M.B.A. at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Mr. Cummins eventually became a venture capitalist, joining Cyberonics’ board in 1988. Cyberonics was the brainchild of Reese S. Terry Jr., a veteran of the medical device industry, who set up the company to develop nerve-stimulation technology invented by Dr. Jacob Zabara at Temple University.

Dr. Zabara was one of many researchers exploring how electrical stimulation of the nervous system and the brain could affect a range of mental and physical ailments. The neurostimulation market as a whole now generates $1 billion annually in revenue, according to Wall Street analysts, and includes devices like spinal-cord stimulators that mask pain and deep brain implants that control some symptoms of Parkinson’s disease.

Wall Street and leading device companies see neurostimulation growing into a $10 billion business in the next decade, thanks to rapid advances in microchips and sensors. Executives at Cyberonics say that focusing on the vagus nerve makes its implants as effective but less risky and invasive than those that stimulate the brain and spinal cord.

Mr. Cummins became Cyberonics’ chief executive in 1995, when the company was struggling to stay afloat financially while seeking regulatory approval of its epilepsy therapy. He took over about the same time that Tamara Knight began a seemingly irreversible slide into severe depression.

Ms. Knight began suffering from depression as a teenager, a struggle that led to an early suicide attempt. Several years ago, drugs that had helped her recover stopped working. She began to neglect housework and her three children. In the fall of 1998, after several incidents in which she became outraged with co-workers, she lost her job. That winter, she began electroshock therapy.

What followed, she said, were more than 30 such treatments and more hospitalizations than she can recall. The number of drugs she took kept increasing, along with her weight. At one point, Ms. Knight, who is 5-foot-6 and had struggled with anorexia as a teenager, weighed more than 200 pounds. By 2004, she was depressed and was suffering from a common side effect of the electroshock therapy required to control her suicidal impulses: a steady erosion of her memory.

“Moneywise, insurance and Medicare paid for them,” Ms. Knight said of her treatments. “But it cost 30 years of my life in memory loss.”

As often happens in cases of severe depression, the family says it also lost the support of outsiders, including its local church. “If Tamara had had cancer, our church would have had people visiting all the time,” Mr. Knight said. “One older man visited us as long as he was able. That was it. It was a real blow to our faith.”

When Ms. Knight’s psychiatrist recommended a Cyberonics implant shortly after the F.D.A. approved the device in 2005, she became enthusiastic. Mr. Knight, who said he thought that V.N.S. therapy — Cyberonics’ trademarked name for “vagus nerve stimulation” — sounded far-fetched when he heard about it a few years earlier, now agreed that it was a chance they had to take.

HE was worried, though, that public information about V.N.S. came largely from Cyberonics and highlighted favorable aspects of clinical data. Negative experiences of clinical-study patients like Katherine Coram were not readily available, outside of commentaries that epilepsy patients posted on a Cyberonics Web site.

Ms. Coram recalls feeling better in the first six months after her Cyberonics stimulator first turned on in 2001.

But when researchers ramped up her implant’s power to enhance its long-term performance, Ms. Coram began suffering nausea, sleeplessness and panic attacks that sent her to the hospital. She lost track of her finances. Like many victims of severe depression, she also began to experience distressingly peculiar setbacks, including an inability to load her dishwasher. Ms. Coram said doctors raised and lowered the implant’s power level several times before she asked them to turn it off temporarily.

“I was trusting the people in the study to figure out how to use the device but they didn’t have a clue,” Ms. Coram said.

The experiences of individuals like Ms. Coram and inconclusive data were not enough, though, for the F.D.A. to shut its doors to Cyberonics. In June 2004, an advisory panel recommended that the agency allow Cyberonics to market its stimulator.

That same night, Cyberonics’ board granted Mr. Cummins a bonus of 150,000 stock options. The next day, as the stock market reacted to the F.D.A. panel’s recommendation, Cyberonics shares leapt 77 percent, laying the groundwork for what, two years later, would become inquiries by the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Justice Department into whether Mr. Cummins’s options grant was legal.

But in 2004, Mr. Cummins had more immediate problems. By early August, critics inside and outside the F.D.A. had talked the agency into the unusual step of disagreeing with its advisory panel. True, there were success stories from patients who achieved almost complete recoveries (nearly 20 percent, according to Cyberonics). Data also suggested that patients who benefited — over 50 percent to one degree or another — were more likely to avoid relapses, expensive hospitalizations and suicide than a similar group of patients who received conventional therapy.

Still, in the most carefully controlled trial, a group that had the device implanted but not turned on fared nearly as well as the group being stimulated. Critics also pointed out that long-term results indicated that 30 percent of the patients reported worsening depression similar to Ms. Coram’s, creating unanswered questions about potential harm.

Mr. Cummins said in a press release that Cyberonics was “shocked” by the agency’s rejection. He denigrated the F.D.A. request for more randomized testing, arguing that other antidepression therapies had been subjected to far less challenging scrutiny. And he suggested to analysts that the agency’s decision would leave many patients feeling that they had no option other than suicide. In September, the F.D.A. accepted an amended application from Cyberonics that contained more long-term performance data and comparisons to other therapies.

Still, it came as something of a surprise on Wall Street and in the medical device industry when the F.D.A. decided early in February 2005 to approve V.N.S. as a depression treatment if Cyberonics met certain conditions. Most of the new requirements dealt with follow-up studies aimed at figuring out how the device could be used most effectively. Mr. Cummins forecast that all of the conditions could be met by the end of May. Shares of Cyberonics soared, and the company went on a hiring spree.

Mr. Cummins cast the decision as a victory for patients but also heralded the financial upside, projecting that Cyberonics’ sales could reach $1 billion by 2010. In the weeks after the F.D.A.’s announcement, he responded to Cyberonics’ stock run-up by exercising options on 350,000 shares, which netted him about $10.75 million. (The sales left him holding just over 36,000 Cyberonics shares, a stake he has since raised to 173,750 shares, according to federal filings.)

The long-awaited marketing approval from the F.D.A. came in July, but new problems emerged. A prominent board member resigned, citing disagreements with other directors over compensation policies and lack of a succession plan for Mr. Cummins.

The Senate Finance Committee, which began investigating the F.D.A.’s handling of the implant that spring, issued a staffreport in February of this year criticizing Dr. Daniel G. Schultz, a senior F.D.A. official, for overruling agency experts opposed to the device. An F.D.A. spokeswoman said that the agency acted carefully and that for “the small number of patients with severe depression who have failed all other treatments, data shows this may be the difference between being able to live a more productive life or suffer from debilitating illness.”

The Senate report also put Medicare officials on notice that decisions to cover V.N.S. would invite further scrutiny.

Continued uncertainty surrounding V.N.S. and Mr. Cummins’s us-against-the-world attitude have taken their toll on Cyberonics’ stock price and on Wall Street’s faith in the company. “There are institutional investors who won’t touch the company as long as Skip is at the helm,” said Jan Wald, an analyst at A. G. Edwards & Sons.

To hear Mr. Cummins tell it, what really matters is that a growing number of depression patients now credit the device with saving their lives. They include Ms. Knight, who got her Cyberonics implant last October, and quickly proved to be the kind of patient the company treasures.

“My family could see subtle differences right away,” Ms. Knight recalled in the letter of support for V.N.S. she sent to Medicare regulators last month. “I was out of bed more often and started taking an interest in how the house looked.”

While Ms. Knight, now 47, talks about “having my life back,” the legacy of severe depression remains with her. After spending so much time for so many years in bed, her body cannot keep up with all the things she now wants to do around the house, often leaving her in pain. She continues to lose her way around her hometown and mourns the loss of so much of her long-term memory. But she has been able to cut back to using just three medications, a change she credits with helping her shed 40 pounds.

MS. CORAM is also on the mend, but not because of V.N.S. or Cyberonics. After enduring numerous futile adjustments to her implant and having it temporarily turned off, she asked her doctors to try one last time in March 2004. Three months later, she stopped using the implant for good and then had it removed from her chest. Her doctors left the metal leads wrapped around her vagus nerve, saying it was too risky to try to remove them.

She said she is slowly regaining the ability to do household tasks — like paying bills — that had been impossible during her V.N.S. treatment. “I feel like I’m just beginning to get my life back,” she said recently.

Mr. Cummins remains as driven as ever. Cyberonics says 1,810 patients have received the implants since the product was approved, out of 13,313 identified candidates. Thousands have been caught up in lengthy and often unsuccessful appeals for insurance coverage, since only a few small insurers routinely pay for the device.

Seeking the traction it desperately needs with insurers, Cyberonics decided in May to narrow the company’s focus to the subset of T.R.D. patients whose problems are the most costly for health care providers. Cyberonics contends that V.N.S. treatment for that group would save hospitals $4,800 to $8,200 a patient annually, based on an estimate of the implant’s cost and follow-up visits over eight years. But Cyberonics’ calculation is based on optimistic presumptions, including aggressive estimates about the pace and nature of patients’ recovery.

Because the presumptions are also based primarily on results from earlier trials, critics like Public Citizen say the new focus has all the flaws of the old one.

However the controversy is resolved, depression victims who finally get an implant will find themselves entering a medical lottery. Many, like Joe Marhefka, 49, of Colchester, Conn., are too depressed to be optimistic about the procedure.

Mr. Marhefka, who ended up in the hospital last fall after attempting suicide, said that he masked his depression most of his life by drinking. When he gave up alcohol eight years ago, the depression seemed to intensify. He said electroshock therapy two years ago destroyed most of his memories of his adolescence, and younger adult years. He lost his job as a high school math teacher shortly before his suicide attempt.

“When I had the implant last month, I was hoping I wouldn’t wake up,” Mr. Marhefka said in July, before entering the New London, Conn., office of Dr. Kathleen R. Degen to have his stimulator activated. “I don’t have any hopes this is going to work. I’m doing this because my wife deserves a husband and my two daughters deserve a Dad. They have hope. I’m just going along with the doctors.”

Dr. Degen used a hand-held computer to program a wand that Mr. Marhefka held over the spot on his chest where his implant was located. A 30-second-long pulse surged into his vagus nerve, reducing Mr. Marhefka’s voice to a barely audible rasp. When the pulse stopped, his voice returned to normal and he conversed briefly with Dr. Degen. He asked about reducing his medications; Dr. Degen said the request was common, but that it was too early to consider it.

Five minutes later, just as Mr. Marhefka asked whether his implant was still on, it delivered its second pulse — again taking away his voice and leaving him with what he said was a mild strangling feeling. Dr. Degen let the pulse pass and explained how she would gauge his future progress.

But Mr. Marhefka plans to measure his progress with his own yardstick.

“If I start smiling again, maybe even laughing sometimes, that’s how I’ll know,” he had said just before entering Dr. Degen’s office. So far, Mr. Marhefka said in a phone call last week, he is still waiting.

Journal - ist

On Self

Published: September 10, 2006

The most prominent New York intellectual of her generation, Susan Sontag appears, to a reader of her journals, to have filled every idle moment with a notation. She wrote in steno pads and City College spiral-bound notebooks, hardcover journals and even on loose sheets of paper. This churning of life and thought could be found tucked away here and there in the many-roomed apartment at 24th Street and 10th Avenue where she spent her last years; she died on Dec. 28, 2004, shortly before what would have been her 72nd birthday.


Fred W. McDarrah

Sontag at a symposium on sex in 1962 at the Mills Hotel, now defunct, on Bleecker Street. (Photograph (c) 2006 The Estate of Susan Sontag, from the first volume of her journal to be published by Farrar, Straus & Giroux in 2008 or 2009, printed with permission of the Wylie Agency.)

Readers’ Opinions

Forum: Nonfiction

Sontag’s interest in traditional journal-keeping — with dated entries and considered sentences — was episodic. There are outbreaks of diary writing, though more typical are lists: of movies seen, books to read, places to eat and drink in the cities that interested her; and of words, usually English words but sometimes words and phrases in French, German, Greek, Italian and Spanish. There are lists of notable writers, poets or painters of a particular moment, all jotted with the meaningful intensity of a student, an intensity she kept throughout her life.

In certain periods, she traces every detail of her private life with anxious care; in other periods, close relationships seem hardly to have been noted. Exploratory passages of novel-writing further blur the line between private drama and literary or intellectual narratives. Seen in the light of her accomplishments and celebrity, Sontag’s life seems to have an admirable coherence. Her public persona was durable and unmistakably hers. But in the journals, the effort of it appears again and again: the reworking of the life and ideas, the total concentration, along with the excitement she felt when things were finally going well. She often meditates on this constant self-construction, and indeed some aspects of her life — the mixing of high and low culture, the sexual enthusiasm, the passionate intellectualism — would become, beginning in the 1960’s, hallmarks of the Downtown life.

The selection here begins at the end of 1958, when Sontag is about to turn 26. Her marriage to Philip Rieff had grown troubled, and with a one-year fellowship to study abroad, she planned to settle in Oxford, England, but went instead to Paris.

29 December 1958, Paris

St. Germain des Prés. Not the same as Greenwich Village, exactly. For one thing, expatriates (Americans, Italians, English, South Americans, Germans) in Paris have a different role + self-feeling than provincials (e.g. kids from Chicago, the West Coast, the South) who come to New York. No rupture of national identification, and mal-identification. Same language. One can always go home. And, anyway, the majority of Villagers are New Yorkers — internal, even municipal, expatriates

The cafe routine. After work, or trying to write or paint, you come to a cafe looking for people you know. Preferably with someone, or at least with a definite rendez-vous.. . . One should go to several cafes — average: four — in an evening.

Also, in New York (Greenwich Village) there’s the shared comedy of being Jewish. That’s missing, too, from this bohemia. Not so heimlich. In Greenwich Village, the Italians — the proletarian background against which deracinated Jews + provincials stage their intellectual and sexual virtuosity — are picturesque but pretty harmless. Here, turbulent marauding Arabs.

. . .

The ratés, the failed intellectuals (writers, artists, would-be Ph.D.’s). People like Sam Wolfenstein [mathematician], with his limp, his briefcase, his empty days, his addiction to the films, his penny-pinching and scavengering, his arid family nest from which he flees — terrifies me.

Harriet [Sohmers, author and artists’ model]. Finest flower of American bohemia. New York. Jewish. Family apartments in the 70’s and 80’s. Middle-class business (not professional) father. Communist aunts. Own history of CP flirtation. Negro maid. New York high school, N.Y.U., experimental artsy-craftsy college, San Francisco, flat in Greenwich Village. Early sexual experience, including Negroes. Homosexuality. Writes short stories. Bisexual promiscuity. Paris. Lives with a painter. Father moves to Miami. Trips back to America. Expatriate-type night employment. Writing peters out.

30 December

My relationship to Harriet baffles me. I want it to be unpremeditated, unreflective — but the shadow of her expectations about what an “affair” consists in upsets my poise, makes me fumble. She with her romantic dissatisfactions, I with my romantic needs and longing.. . . One unexpected gift: that she is beautiful. I had remembered her as definitely not beautiful, rather gross and unattractive. She’s anything but that. And physical beauty is enormously, almost morbidly, important to me.

31 December

On Keeping a Journal. Superficial to understand the journal as just a receptacle for one’s private, secret thoughts — like a confidante who is deaf, dumb and illiterate. In the journal I do not just express myself more openly than I could to any person; I create myself.

The journal is a vehicle for my sense of selfhood. It represents me as emotionally and spiritually independent. Therefore (alas) it does not simply record my actual, daily life but rather — in many cases — offers an alternative to it.

There is often a contradiction between the meaning of our actions toward a person and what we say we feel toward that person in a journal. But this does not mean that what we do is shallow, and only what we confess to ourselves is deep. Confessions, I mean sincere confessions of course, can be more shallow than actions. I am thinking now of what I read today (when I went up to 122 Bd. St-G to check for her mail) in H’s journal about me — that curt, unfair, uncharitable assessment of me which concludes by her saying that she really doesn’t like me but my passion for her is acceptable and opportune. God knows it hurts, and I feel indignant and humiliated. We rarely do know what people think of us (or, rather, think they think of us).. . .Do I feel guilty about reading what was not intended for my eyes? No. One of the main (social) functions of a journal or diary is precisely to be read furtively by other people, the people (like parents + lovers) about whom one has been cruelly honest only in the journal. Will H. ever read this?

. . .

Writing. It’s corrupting to write with the intent to moralize, to elevate people’s moral standards.

Nothing prevents me from being a writer except laziness. A good writer.

Why is writing important? Mainly, out of egotism, I suppose. Because I want to be that persona, a writer, and not because there is something I must say. Yet why not that too? With a little ego-building — such as the fait accompli this journal provides — I shall win through to the confidence that I (I) have something to say, that should be said.

My “I” is puny, cautious, too sane. Good writers are roaring egotists, even to the point of fatuity. Sane men, critics, correct them — but their sanity is parasitic on the creative fatuity of genius.

2 January, 7:30 a.m.

Poor little ego, how did you feel today? Not very well, I fear — rather bruised, sore, traumatized. Hot waves of shame, and all that. I never had any illusion that she was in love with me, but I did assume she liked me.

. . .

Tonight (last night!) at Paul’s place I reely wuz speeking French. For owers ’n owers, with him and his very sweet parents. What great fun!!

19 February

Yesterday (late afternoon) I went to my first Paris cocktail party, at Jean Wahl’s — in the disgusting company of Allan Bloom. Wahl [a philosopher] very much lived up to my expectations — a tiny slim birdlike old man with lank white hair and wide thin mouth, rather beautiful, like Jean-Louis Barrault [actor] will be at 65, but terribly distrait and unkempt. Baggy black suit with three large holes in the rear end through which you could see his (white) underwear, + he’d just come from a late afternoon lecture — on Claudel — at the Sorbonne. Has a tall handsome Tunisian wife (with a round face and tightly-drawn-back black hair) half his age, about 35-40 I’d guess, + three or four quite young children. Also there were Giorgio de Santillana [historian of science]; two Japanese artists; lean old ladies in fur hats; a man from Preuves; middle-sized children straight out of Balthus, in Mardi Gras costumes; a man who looked like Jean-Paul Sartre, only uglier, with a limp, and was Jean-Paul Sartre; and lots of other people whose names meant nothing to me. I talked to Wahl + de Santillana + (unavoidably) to Bloom. The apartment, it’s in the rue Peletier, is fantastic — all the walls are drawn + sketched + painted on by the children and by artist friends — there is dark carved North African furniture, ten thousand books, heavy tablecloths, flowers, paintings, toys, fruit — a rather beautiful disorder, I thought.

28 Feb.

Heard Simone de Beauvoir talk on the novel is it still possible last night at the Sorbonne (with [the journalist Irv] Jaffe). She is lean and tense and blackhaired and very goodlooking for her age, but her voice is unpleasant, something about the high pitch + the nervous speed with which she talks. In the late afternoon read Carson McCullers’s “Reflections in a Golden Eye.” Slick, really economical and ‘written,’ but I don’t go for motivation by apathy, catatonia, animal empathy.. . .(In a novel, I mean!)

Early 1959, New York City

The ugliness of New York. But I do like it here, even like Commentary [to which she contributed]. In NY sensuality completely turns into sexuality — no objects for the senses to respond to, no beautiful river, houses, people. Awful smells of the street, and dirt.. . .Nothing except eating, if that, and the frenzy of the bed.

. . .

Adjusting the self to the city vs. making the city answer better to the self

March 12, 4:15 p.m.

I am in bad shape. I write it out here; I write slowly and I look at my handwriting which looks OK. Two vodka martinis with Marty Greenberg [editor at Commentary]. My head feels heavy. Smoking is bitter. Tony + a curd-faced bloke (Mike Harrington) are talking about Stanford-Binets. Kleist is wonderful. Nietzsche, Nietzsche.

October

[Undated frontispiece]

I’m not pious, but co-pious.

Nov. 19

The coming of the orgasm has changed my life. I am liberated, but that’s not the way to say it. More important: it has narrowed me, it has closed off possibilities, it has made the alternatives clear and sharp. I am no longer unlimited, i.e. nothing.

Sexuality is the paradigm. Before, my sexuality was horizontal, an infinite line capable of being infinitely subdivided. Now it is vertical; it is up and over, or nothing.

. . .

The orgasm focuses. I lust to write. The coming of the orgasm is not the salvation but, more, the birth of my ego. I cannot write until I find my ego. The only kind of writer I could be is the kind who exposes himself.. . .To write is to spend oneself, to gamble oneself. But up to now I have not even liked the sound of my own name. To write, I must love my name. The writer is in love with himself. . .and makes his books out of that meeting and that violence.

Nov. 20 (3 a.m.)

I have never been as demanding of anyone as I am of [the Cuban-American playwright Maria] I[rene Fornes]. I am jealous of everyone she sees, I hurt every minute she goes away from me. But not when I leave her, and know that she is here. My love wants to incorporate her totally, to eat her. My love is selfish.

. . .

Tonight she went from work to meet Inez at the San Remo. Ann Morrissett [journalist and playwright] was there. After, the Cedar Bar. She came home at 12:00; I was asleep.. . .She came to bed, told me about the conversations of the evening, at 2:00 asked that the light be put out, went to sleep. I was paralyzed, mute, swollen with tears. I smoked, she slept.

. . .

Dec. 24

My desire to write is connected with my homosexuality. I need the identity as a weapon, to match the weapon that society has against me.

It doesn’t justify my homosexuality. But it would give me — I feel — a license.

I am just becoming aware of how guilty I feel being queer. With H., I thought it didn’t bother me, but I was lying to myself. I let other people (e.g. Annette [Michelson, film scholar]) believe that it was H. who was my vice, and that apart from her I wouldn’t be queer or at least not mainly so.

. . .

Being queer makes me feel more vulnerable.

Dec. 28

Till now I have felt that the only persons I could know in depth, or really love, were duplicates or versions of my own wretched self. (My intellectual and sexual feelings have always been incestuous.) Now I know + love someone who is not like me — e.g. not a Jew, not a New York-type intellectual — without any failure of intimacy. I am always conscious of I’s foreignness, of the absence of a shared background — and I experience this as a great release.

1960

[Undated frontispiece]

Cogito ergo est

Feb.

How many times have I told people that Pearl Kazin [editor] was a major girlfriend of Dylan Thomas? That Norman Mailer has orgies? That [F.O.] Matthiessen was queer? All public knowledge to be sure, but who the hell am I to go advertising other people’s sexual habits.

How many times have I reviled myself for that, which is only a little less offensive than my habit of name-dropping (how many times did I talk about Allen Ginsberg last year while I was on Commentary?) and my habit of criticizing people if other people invite it.. . .I have always betrayed people to each other. No wonder I’ve been so high-minded and scrupulous about how I use the word “friend”!

Saturday:

awake at 7

Museum at 10:30

I. arrives at 1coffee + lunch in Museum 3:00 “Trouble in Paradise”

4:30-5:15 coffee with I.; talk she comes with me in the cab to 118th St. pick up David [Rieff, Sontag’s 7-year-old son] drop I. at 79th St. — she is going to Alfred [Chester, author and literary critic] I feed D. + put him to bed A. calls to urge me to come to the party


I read the Listener — call Jack, Harriet — leave at 9:30

cab to 14th St. — I buy tickets for [film director Kenneth] Anger film and

Pirandello party — I leave — Times Sq.

Bardot movie — home at 4

Sunday:

awake at 7:00 — rage

call A. at 9:00

Jack picks us up at 9:15

breakfast at Rumpelmayer’s

walk in Central Park

Hotel Pierre with Jack + Ann + 2 friends (Jack and Harriet)

cab to Alfred’s

lunch with I. + A., at Bocce place

matinee off — I. and I go to the Commons

our talk

we return to Alfred’s at 6:45

I. calls Ann — we all go down, I. to Ann’s, A. + David + I to Frank’s Pizza.

. . .

we pick I. up at 8 on Hudson St. — go to films at Carnegie Hall Playhouse

10:30 — cab home, put D. to bed — I. wants to eat — sex — no talk — sleep

. . .

Sunday:

depression, lassitude

I take Benzedrine at 5:00

cab to Wash. Sq. at 6:00 to meet A.

dinner at Frank’s

coffee after at Reggio’s

March 8 (noon)

Via benzedrine, the ever-seeping down impact of Irene, Dr. Puroshottam [Hindu scholar]

last week, this morning’s lectures on Spinoza’s ethics, the long meditation on Kant which began in October, yesterday’s idea of the difference between ‘the truth that’ and ‘the truth about.’

There is no stasis. To stand still is to fall away from the truth; the inner life dims and flickers, starts to go out, as soon as one tries to hold fast. It’s like trying to make this breath serve for the next one, or making today’s dinner do the work of next Wednesday’s as well.. . .Truth rides the arrow of time.

August 8

Monday Morning

I must help I. to write. And if I write, too, it will stop this uselessness of just sitting and staring

at her and begging her to love me again.

. . .

It hurts then to love. It’s like giving yourself

to be flayed and knowing that at any moment the other person may just walk off with your skin.

August 14

I SHOULDN’T TRY TO MAKE LOVE

WHEN I AM TIRED.

I SHOULD ALWAYS KNOW WHEN I AM

TIRED. BUT I DON’T.

I LIE TO MYSELF. I DON’T KNOW

MY TRUE FEELINGS.

(Still?!)

12/3/61

Becoming aware of the ‘dead places’ of feeling — Talking without feeling anything. (This

is very different from my old self-revulsion at talking without knowing anything.)

The writer must be four people:

1) the nut, the obsédé

2) the moron

3) the stylist

4) the critic

1) supplies the material

2) lets it come out

3) is taste

4) is intelligence

a great writer has all 4 — but you can still be

a good writer with only 1) and 2); they’re most important.

9 Dec. 1961

The fear of becoming old is born of the recognition that one is not living now the life that one wishes. It is equivalent to a sense

of abusing the present.

[Not dated]

Mary McCarthy’s grin — grey hair — low-fashion red + blue print suit. Clubwoman gossip. She is The Group. She’s nice to her husband.

. . .

I write to define myself — an act of self-creation — part of process of becoming — in a dialogue with myself, with writers I admire living and dead, with ideal readers

Because it gives me pleasure (an ‘activity’)

I’m not sure what purpose my work serves

Personal salvation — Rilke’s ‘Letters to a

Young Poet.’

Sept. 3, 1962

I am sitting on the grass by the river. David is play[ing] ball with a Puerto Rican boy and man.

Alone, alone, alone. A ventriloquist’s dummy without a ventriloquist. I have brain-fatigue and heart-ache. Where is peace, the center?

There are seven different kinds of grasses

where I am lying. Dandelions, squirrels, little yellow flowers.

. . .

I want to be able to be alone, to find it nourishing — not just a waiting.

Hippolyte says, blessed is the mind with something to occupy it other than its own dissatisfactions.

I dreamed of Nat[han] Glazer last night. He came to borrow a black dress of mine, a

very beautiful dress, for his girlfriend to wear at a party. I tried to help him find it. He lay

on a single bed + I sat beside him and stroked his face. His skin was white except for patches of black moss-like beard on his face. I asked

him how his face got so white, + told him he should get into the sun. I wanted him to

love me but he didn’t.

Sept. 12, 1962

Premature pliability, agreeableness

so that the underlying stubbornness is

never touched

accounts for 80% of my notorious flirtatiousness, seductiveness

10/16/62

Sentimentality. The inertia of the emotions. They are not light, buoyant. — I am sentimental. I cling to my emotional states.

Or do they cling to me?

July 27, 1964

Art = a way of getting in touch with one’s

own insanity.

My need to get rid of it, once hauled up.

A freshly typed manuscript, the moment it’s completed, begins to stink. It’s a dead body — it must be buried — embalmed, in print. I rush out to mail the mss. the moment it’s finished, even if it’s 4 a.m.

The greatest crime: to judge.

The greatest failing: lack of wholeheartedness.

[On a loose scrap of paper, probably from 1964]

I will be all right by 7:00 a.m. this morning.

. . .

M. [Mildred Jacobsen, Sontag’s mother]

didn’t answer when I was a child. The worst punishment — and the ultimate frustration.

She was always ‘off’ — even when she wasn’t angry. (The drinking a symptom of this.)

But I kept trying.

Now, the same with I. Even more agonizing because for four years she did answer. So I know she can.

. . .

My faults:

— to censor [sic] others for my own vices*

— to make my friendships into love affairs

— to ask that love include (and exclude) all

*but, perhaps this becomes most hectic and obvious — reaches a climax, when the thing in myself is deteriorating, giving way, collapsing — like: my indignation at Susan [Taubes]’s and Eva [Kollisch]’s physical squeamishness

NB: my ostentatious appetite — real need —

to eat exotic and “disgusting” foods = a need to state my denial of squeamishness. A counter-statement.

Nov. 17, 1964

Where I detected envy, I forbore to criticize — lest my motives be impure, and my judgment less than impartial. I was benevolent. I was malicious only about strangers, people who were indifferent.

It seems noble.

But, thereby, I rescued my ‘superiors,’ those I admired, from my dislike — my aggression. Criticism was reserved only for those ‘beneath’ me, whom I didn’t respect.. . .I used my power of criticism to confirm the status quo.

. . .

all capital cities are more like each other than like the rest of the cities in their country (people in NY more like Paris than in St. Paul)

. . .

Cal [Robert Lowell]: in madness, a machine operating at 5 times its normal rate, without its governor — sweating, [expletive], pouring

out words, lurching back + forth

[Not dated, probably 1964]

The intellectual ecstasy I have had access to since early childhood. But ecstasy is ecstasy.

Intellectual ‘wanting’ like sexual wanting.

. . .

6,085 copies of Against Interpretation have been sold

1,915 copies of the 1st printing are left.

. . .

[George] Balanchine, the last of the modernist geniuses

3/26/65

recent painting (Pop, Op) — cool; least amount of texture possible — light colors

need to have canvas, because you can’t float colors off in space

. . .

feeling (sensation) of a Jasper Johns painting or object might be like that of the Supremes

Pop Art is Beatle art

another key text: Ortega, ‘Dehumanization

of Art’

every age has its representative age group — ours is youth — spirit of age is being cool, dehumanized, play, sensation, apolitical

Jasper Johns — Duchamp painted by Monet

April 20

My vision is unrefined, insensitive; this is the trouble I’m having with painting.

another project: Webern, Boulez, Stockhausen. Buy records, read, do some work. I’ve been very lazy.

To give no interviews until I can sound as clear + authoritative + direct as Lillian [Hellman] does in the Paris Review.

May 20, Edisto Beach [S.C.]

“the arrogant object” (Johns)

one doesn’t learn from experience — because the substance of things is always changing

there is no neutral surface — something is only neutral with respect to something else (an intention? An expectation?) — Robbe-Grillet

Rauschenberg’s use of newsprint, tires

Johns: broom, hanger

The only transformation that interests me is a total transformation — however minute. I want the encounter with a person or a work of art to change everything.

July 4, Bled [Yugoslavia]

Mailer: how to be pure and be a movie star

In every important modern American writer you feel a struggle with the language — it’s

your enemy, doesn’t naturally work for you. (Completely different in England, where

the language is taken for granted.) You have

to subdue it, reinvent it.

July 16, Paris

I haven’t learned to mobilize rage — (I perform militant actions, without militant feeling)

Sept. 17 (on plane to NY)

Sartre: “When people’s opinions are so different, how can they even go to a film together?”

Beauvoir: “To smile at opponents and friends alike is to abase one’s commitments to the status of mere opinions, and all intellectuals, whether of the Right or Left, to their common bourgeois condition.”

Nov. 8

Through 2/3 of Greta Garbo’s “Private Potato Patch” I wanted to be Garbo (I studied her;

I wanted to assimilate her, learn her gestures, feel as she felt) — then, toward the end,

I started to want her, to think of her sexually,

to want to possess her. Longing succeeded admiration — as the end of my seeing her drew near. The sequence of my homosexuality?

. . .

In NY, little or no “community” but a great sense of “scene.”

. . .

My biggest pleasure the last two years has

come from pop music (the Beatles, Dionne Warwick, the Supremes) + the music of Al Carmines [actor, composer, director, reverend]

In the next apt. I’ll have lots of plants, massed together.

. . .

A problem: the thinness of my writing —

it’s meager, sentence by sentence — too architectural, discursive

[Mid-November]

Mailer says he wants his writings to change

the consciousness of his time. So did DHL[awrence], obviously.

I don’t want mine to — at least not in terms of any particular point of view or vision or message which I’m trying to put across.

I’m not.

The texts are objects. I want them to affect readers — but in any number of possible ways. There is no one right way to experience what I’ve written.

I’m not “saying something.” I’m allowing “something” to have a voice, an independent existence (an existence independent of me).

Nov. 24

Lillian [Hellman] identified with Becky Sharp — always wanted to be a bitch, to bait people.

I never got past admiring and envying her for being able to throw the dictionary back at the drippy schoolmistress. All that manipulative stuff with men was beyond me.

Analysis: two or three cataracts have fallen from my eyes. A hundred more to go?

I come each night around 2:00 or 3:00. The N.Y. Times is my lover.

[Not dated, late 1965]

The unpleasantness of the feedback — other people’s reactions to my work, admiring or adverse. I don’t want to react to that. I’m critical enough (+ I know better what’s wrong).

I like to feel dumb. That’s how I know there’s more in the world than me.

. . .

my intellectual formation:

a) Knopf + M[odern] L[ibrary]

b) P[artisan] R[eview] (Trilling, Rahv,

Fiedler, Chase)

c) University of Chicago

P & A via Schwab-Mckeon

Burke

d) Central European “sociology”

The German Jewish refugee intellectuals

Strauss, Arendt, Scholem, Marcuse, Gourevitch, [Jacob] Taubes, etc.

(Marx, Freud, Spengler, Nietzsche, Weber, Dilthey, Simmel, Mannheim, Adorno et etc.)

e) Harvard Wittgenstein

f) the French — Artaud, Barthes, Cioran, Sartre

g) more history of religion

h) I — Mailer, anti-intellectualism

i) Art, art-history

Jasper [Johns]

[John] Cage

[William S.] Burroughs

end result: Franco-Jewish Cageian?

Jan. 4, 1966

The situation in painting is tight: like science. Everyone conscious of “problem,” what needs to be worked on. Each artist by his recent work issuing “white papers” on this or that problem, + the critics judging whether their chosen problems are interesting or trivial. (The Barbara Rose approach.) Thus Rosalind Krauss judges Jasper’s flashlight, ale cans, etc. to be the solution to/exploration of a peripheral (trivial) problem of sculpture now: what to do with

the pedestal.. . .While Frank Stella’s work is thought to be very interesting because it is a solution to central problems. W/o a knowledge of recent art-history + its “problems,” who

wd. be interested in Frank Stella?

Artists working hip to hip — very tight — everything changing each six months, as more “work” from the diff. academies comes in.

One has to keep up, have a very keen radar. (To be relevant, to be interesting.)

While in literature, everything is so loose textured. One could make a parachute jump blindfolded — anywhere you land, if you push it hard enough, you’re bound to find interesting unexplored valuable terrain. All the options are lying about, barely used.

. . .

Jasper is good for me. (But only for a while.)

He makes it feel natural + good + right to be crazy. And mute. To question everything. Because he is crazy.

. . .

The only thoughts I have that seem to

stay “true” are thoughts about thinking (and feeling) — their contours, methodology, dilemmas —

No thoughts about how things are ‘in the world’ (estimates of people, art, political ideas) stay persuasive for long. One look again at

that reality.. . !

. . .

making lists (+ checking off things known, recognized, seen or owned) on an already existent list: another version of “blessing”!

I take these things under my wing — I ‘include’ them.

[Not dated, late winter 1966]

NYC with its intelligentsia, its liberal consensus, is in relationship to the rest of USA like Vatican in the midst of Italy, a tiny private state with immense power + wealth, but separate

. . .

Interesting that Merce [Cunningham] called the potting + repotting of the plant and the bicycle riding in “Variations V” “non-dance activities.” Just when I’d gotten used to the Judson [Church, a Village dance venue] idea that any behavior could be thought as part of dancing.

Duchamp has said two contradictory things — (1) that a work of art has a (short) life-span and (2) that the value of a w-o-a can only be established by posterity.

One view: art is a language, not just what it is.

Is this the “conservative” view?

Ad Reinhardt’s “black” paintings are like Robbe-Grillet’s novels — an idea mapped on a grid. You “get it” too easily. That’s “romantic”

in one sense (romanticism as concentrating on a part rather than the whole).

. . .

Self-expression is the limiting idea, limiting if it’s central. (Art as self-expression is very limiting.) From self-expression one can never arrive at an authentic, a genuine, not merely expediential, justification for courtesy.

But if you start with courtesy, you can accommodate most of what people attribute

to self-expression (through idea of courtesy

to oneself).

. . .

Atmosphere at Merce’s lecture-demonstration: everything was important. Things handled evenly, with measure, with care. The rag he

wiped his sweat with. The stool he moved, then sat on at the back of the stage.

. . .

Jasp[er Johns]: “I don’t think a thing is anything” (i.e. any one thing) — So de Kooning was being simple-minded when he destroyed

a painting because X liked it. Maybe X didn’t like what de Kooning assumed he would encounter + wanted him to dislike. Maybe he liked something entirely different.

June 1

One of my strongest and most fully

employed emotions: contempt. Contempt

for others, contempt for myself.

. . .

I’m impatient (ð contemptuous) of people who don’t know how to protect themselves, stand up for themselves.

My mind = King Kong. Aggressive, tears people to pieces. I keep it locked up most of

the time — and bite my nails.

June 27, Paris

When the provos stage “happenings” at night in the streets of Amsterdam, there is a risk. They provoke the police, they ‘say’ something, they try to make something happen. (More liberty, etc.)

Happenings in NY are not only apolitical.

They risk nothing. They are witty exercises in irrationality — entirely safe.

If only my novel could have the speed — and the range, the relevance — that Godard’s last two films have. The ulcer of Vietnam, the sound of guns going off —

Aug. 6, London

Peter Brook: very intense, high-pitched, pale blue eyes — balding — wears black turtleneck sweaters — warm generous handshake — fleshy, meaty face

Studied with Jane Heap (famous Little

Review lady from 20’s) living at end of her life in Hampstead; a pupil of Gurdjieff; her

Sunday afternoons

brain-picker

. . .

Grotowski:

around thirty-five

like Caligari or magician in “Mario +

the Magician”

no one knows anything about his sex-life

was never a critic

has studied Yoga in India for a time

in his company, no one brings him his or

her personal problems

Aug. 9

I’ve got the Novel. . . I think! Thanks

to Brook + Grotowski, the final pieces have

fallen into place.

Oct. 8

Jap [Jasper Johns]; of a young painter’s work

he saw this afternoon. “The paintings are very beautiful. But that’s all.”

Jap’s authority, his elegance. He is never flustered, apologetic, guilty, ashamed. Perfect certitude. So, if he picks his nose or eats in

the Automat, he’s being elegant.

. . .

The only people who should interest themselves in an art (or several arts) are those who practice it — or have — or aspire to. The whole idea of

an “audience” is wrong. The artist’s audience is his peers.

[Not dated, late 1966]

Joe [Chaikin] asks me tonight how I feel when

I discover, say, three-fours through something I’m writing that it is mediocre, inferior. I reply that I feel good and plow on to the end. I’m discharging the mediocre in myself. (My excremental image of my writing.) It’s there.

I want to get rid of it. I can’t negate it by an act

of will. (Or can I?) I can only allow it its voice, get it “out.” Then I can do something else.

At least, I know I won’t need to do that again.

Feb. 22, 1967, 3 a.m.

I’m finishing the [“Story of] O” review which has turned into a 35-page essay. It’s OK. Still,

I don’t believe a word I’m saying.

It’s interesting, maybe valuable — but I don’t see how “true.”

April 6

SF groups

The Grateful Dead

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

The Great Society

Jefferson Airplane

The Only Alternative + his Other Possibilities

The Myddle Class+

The Mothers of Invention (LA?)

The Byrds (LA)

Country Joe + the Fish

The Quicksilver Messenger Service

Big Brother + the Holding Company

The Turtles

The Miracles

The Sparrows + the Charlatans

In Calif., a stranger is a [potential] friend until he proves otherwise; in NY, a stranger is an enemy until he proves otherwise. One uses up

a lot of energy in NY by that hypothesis.

. . .

The ideal life: doing only things which are indispensable.

Two ways to be — a saint or a thief.

My image of myself since age 3 or 4 — the genius-schmuck. I allow one to pay off the other. Develop relationships to satisfy principally one or the other.

. . .

Sartre (cf. “Les Mots”) the only other person

I know of who had this “certainty” of genius. Living already a posthumous life, even as a childhood. (The childhood of a famous man.)

A kind of suicide — with the “work” of

genius you know you’ll do when adult your tombstone. The most glorious tombstone possible.

Sartre was very ugly — and knew it. So he didn’t have to develop “the schmuck”

to pay off the others for being “the genius.” Nature had taken care of the problem for

him. He didn’t have to invent a cause of failure

or rejection by others. As I did, by making myself ‘stupid’ in personal relations. (For ‘stupid,’ also read ‘blind.’)

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